It's been a year since he left me and I have never felt so lost, abandoned, and hopeless.
I look in the mirror and ask what happened to the girl that existed before I met him. What happened to the girl who had been hated by so many parents as soon as their son expressed interest in me and it would roll off of me without hurting me and affecting me this way. What happened to her? I want to be her again.
He is leaving in a few weeks (yes, weeks) and I have not heard his voice for over eight months. He is on Match, that tells me he has moved on. Why do people have this misconception that finding love is so easy? Maybe because they found love early and held on to it and are surrounded by others who found love early so they feel it comes quite easily. It doesn't.
I'm in my thirties and I found love only once. He had all the criteria's I was looking for (all those that my friend's thought were unreal and I could never find a guy who would fit the bill) and I met his...except when it came to his parents liking me. They pretended to be happy with my values but all the saw was that I was not the same race as them and were smart to cause problems with our differences (differences that we resolved but they were not happy with his choice) to tear us apart.
Those who find love young think its easy. It's only when you get older that you realize it is hard. It is very hard. That is why there are site's such as Match, eHarmony, etc...and they are a thriving business because there are some people who find it difficult to meet good people, and some who are just not having luck in finding the one. Or in my case, when you do their friends/family fill their head that it should be easy (yet I bet you there is nothing easy about their relationship when you scratch the surface they present) and that having common religion helps. Not really. I was married to someone of common relgion and they were so extreme that I had to run for the hills. We were the same race, religion, somewhat same values but he was much to demanding and controlling. I found someone of different race, religion, but same values. We are both not religious (when compared to our family) but we wanted a happy medium and we felt we could achieve it with the two of us. His family wants....well you know.
Four weddings to go to in North America, two more oversees and all I want to do is hide. I don't want to see two people get together. Two people who are younger than me and the guy loves their girl so much that no one can get in the way or she just has the luck that his parents love her.
I hate hearing about the Royal Wedding because he left me a few weeks before the announcement. All I heard after the breakup was how my friends who started dating the same time I started dating him, all are getting engaged with their 'love' and me....my so-called love left me. He fell out of love thanks to his family and the distance of the commute to see eachother. But I blame his family the most because when I moved closer to him, he didn't want to make it work. If it were the commute, he would have tried to salavage the love and wonderful feelings we brought out in eachother but to not try tell me he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to make it work. And I know how he is indebted to his family, and their acceptance is important so if they don't like the girl, he will leave her. He should just date his on kind. He seriously should, because I don't want any of the girls I don't get along with to go through this pain and hurt.
I am slowly loosing my faith. I prayed for a guy like him and God brought him in my path. Now I pray to God to bring him back and nothing is happening. He is leaving soon and its been a year that my heart hates and still loves him. Hates him for being stupid and weak when it comes to his family. I can't eat at the same places we went, I know I will break down and cry. I cannot go to the same places we hung out, I cry and remember how happy I was with him there. Our one and only vacation together, the first and last time I will ever travel with a guy. We had an amazing time, its where he opened up to me and told me he felt I was the one....now I just hate myself for letting my guard down and trusting him.
No guy is worth it. No guy. They all lie to you. Whatever comes from their mouth comes with an expiration date, you just are not aware of it and before you know it, they will take it back because its' 'NORMAL'.
It is normal to open yourself to someone and be hurt and betrayed. It's normal for someone to feel something and change and hurt and betray you yet they expect the next person to just easily open themselves to them after they hurt someone. It's normal to be callus but not think of yourself that way because...hey it's normal.
