I have waisted more than two years on 'so called love'. I see before me I life i don't want to have but, its what was dealt to me.
I always imagined meeting a guy I would connect with, fall in love, get married and maybe have a child two to three years later. All this would happen before I would turn 35.
I'm almost 35 and what do I have? I'm divorced, fell in love after more than five years after my divorce for the very first time, got my heart broken that I don't trust any man out there, and I don't think I even want marriage.
I dated three guys after the ex-boyfriend, and not more than four dates I felt nothing and asked them what their parents think about dating a girl like me (me as in race and religion) and all three guys told me their parents were not really happy. I broke it off with them as soon as they shared that information with me.
I look in the mirror and ask what did I do to deserve this?
Did I not pray to god enough?
Is this Karma?
Did I do something wrong in my previous life?
Am I such a bad person? Why am I bad?
I know some people would complain that I have no right to complain because there are others that have it worse, so I should maybe just bite my tongue and be happy that this is better than being born in a poor family in Somalia where my life could have been a whole lot worse...
But I live in this part of the world and I just wonder...why?!
I was SO STUPID!
I was so dumb to fall for his eyes and smile and laugh. I was so dumb to believe in his lies that he would never hurt me and that he loves me. I was so dumb to believe that he ... I was just plain dumb.
I want more than anything to forget him, and I wonder why can't I.
He was the first guy I actually dreamed about a future with. I never let myself do that with any guy I dated, even the one I married (arranged marriage). He was the first and I hate that because I sleep at night forcing myself to think of work, my language classes, movie I just saw other than the dreams I had of him and me. I sleep in the middle of the bed instead of a side because my bed will always have only me in it and no one else. There is no room for anyone else.
He is going to move on in his life and meet other people and be happy because he feels this is the right decision he made, while I feel that this is the WRONG decision he made but he won't listen...he feels he tried but our differences are so much (thanks to his family pointing it out over and over and over again) that he feels it will not work. When we knew the difference we acknowledged and knew how to make it work with our differences. His family would not accept his approach and decision.
I hurt so much! I hate that I love him, because anyone who would do this does not deserve it and never truly loved me.
The hardest thing I did was accept his decision a few months after he broke up with me and take a step back. I spend time with my new friends, paint a smile on my face when inside I am still broken. I don't want anyone to know how much I still hurt and cry.
Knowing he no longer talks to me will make his family happy and thus they will let him be in peace.
I look every day in the mirror and I see someone who is getting old, and loosing whatever what was beautiful in her thanks to time. People tell me I'm beautiful but I don't feel it. If I am, it feels like a curse because ....why is that I can't think of a single set of parents that liked me? why?
I feel so hated and ugly!
I feel like a disappointment to my family.
I feel like I can never have faith my instinct and judgement. I just don't.
Al this time, every guy I dated and the one I married through arranged marriage , they felt all wrong. All of them. And then I meet this guy who I was not expecting to like in any way but had great conversation with, found had the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen, most gorgeous laugh I had ever found and I noticed his hands...and after talking to him on the phone a few days later where we just couldn't wait to see eachother and talk till 3am ...hardly three months I felt 'love' and I was scared because I had never felt it before in my whole entire life. And he fell in love that fast too. First guy I ever kissed on the lips because I wanted to and not because I was married to him and expected to...
I feel crushed...
I feel like crying out my soul knowing he is leaving...
I feel that every girl who gets their 'the one' is SOO LUCKY! I wish I was lucky too.....
I really wish I was lucky too....
But what is a wish...hopeful thinking.....and there is no hope for me...I don't believe in it.
I wish I had never gone on Match.com
I wish I had never made that stupid and crazy new years resolution
The time we had....that love I had, is not worth the pain that is in my heart forever. Its like black hole in my heart...one that just does not heal. I thank my friends keep me busy and preoccupied by forcing me to be with them and do this and that...that it distracts me so he does not slip in to my mind...
I know he never thinks about me....I to should do the same....
Monday, May 2, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
One Year Apart, One Year Too Long
It's been a year since he left me and I have never felt so lost, abandoned, and hopeless.
I look in the mirror and ask what happened to the girl that existed before I met him. What happened to the girl who had been hated by so many parents as soon as their son expressed interest in me and it would roll off of me without hurting me and affecting me this way. What happened to her? I want to be her again.
He is leaving in a few weeks (yes, weeks) and I have not heard his voice for over eight months. He is on Match, that tells me he has moved on. Why do people have this misconception that finding love is so easy? Maybe because they found love early and held on to it and are surrounded by others who found love early so they feel it comes quite easily. It doesn't.
I'm in my thirties and I found love only once. He had all the criteria's I was looking for (all those that my friend's thought were unreal and I could never find a guy who would fit the bill) and I met his...except when it came to his parents liking me. They pretended to be happy with my values but all the saw was that I was not the same race as them and were smart to cause problems with our differences (differences that we resolved but they were not happy with his choice) to tear us apart.
Those who find love young think its easy. It's only when you get older that you realize it is hard. It is very hard. That is why there are site's such as Match, eHarmony, etc...and they are a thriving business because there are some people who find it difficult to meet good people, and some who are just not having luck in finding the one. Or in my case, when you do their friends/family fill their head that it should be easy (yet I bet you there is nothing easy about their relationship when you scratch the surface they present) and that having common religion helps. Not really. I was married to someone of common relgion and they were so extreme that I had to run for the hills. We were the same race, religion, somewhat same values but he was much to demanding and controlling. I found someone of different race, religion, but same values. We are both not religious (when compared to our family) but we wanted a happy medium and we felt we could achieve it with the two of us. His family wants....well you know.
Four weddings to go to in North America, two more oversees and all I want to do is hide. I don't want to see two people get together. Two people who are younger than me and the guy loves their girl so much that no one can get in the way or she just has the luck that his parents love her.
I hate hearing about the Royal Wedding because he left me a few weeks before the announcement. All I heard after the breakup was how my friends who started dating the same time I started dating him, all are getting engaged with their 'love' and me....my so-called love left me. He fell out of love thanks to his family and the distance of the commute to see eachother. But I blame his family the most because when I moved closer to him, he didn't want to make it work. If it were the commute, he would have tried to salavage the love and wonderful feelings we brought out in eachother but to not try tell me he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to make it work. And I know how he is indebted to his family, and their acceptance is important so if they don't like the girl, he will leave her. He should just date his on kind. He seriously should, because I don't want any of the girls I don't get along with to go through this pain and hurt.
I am slowly loosing my faith. I prayed for a guy like him and God brought him in my path. Now I pray to God to bring him back and nothing is happening. He is leaving soon and its been a year that my heart hates and still loves him. Hates him for being stupid and weak when it comes to his family. I can't eat at the same places we went, I know I will break down and cry. I cannot go to the same places we hung out, I cry and remember how happy I was with him there. Our one and only vacation together, the first and last time I will ever travel with a guy. We had an amazing time, its where he opened up to me and told me he felt I was the one....now I just hate myself for letting my guard down and trusting him.
No guy is worth it. No guy. They all lie to you. Whatever comes from their mouth comes with an expiration date, you just are not aware of it and before you know it, they will take it back because its' 'NORMAL'.
It is normal to open yourself to someone and be hurt and betrayed. It's normal for someone to feel something and change and hurt and betray you yet they expect the next person to just easily open themselves to them after they hurt someone. It's normal to be callus but not think of yourself that way because...hey it's normal.
I look in the mirror and ask what happened to the girl that existed before I met him. What happened to the girl who had been hated by so many parents as soon as their son expressed interest in me and it would roll off of me without hurting me and affecting me this way. What happened to her? I want to be her again.
He is leaving in a few weeks (yes, weeks) and I have not heard his voice for over eight months. He is on Match, that tells me he has moved on. Why do people have this misconception that finding love is so easy? Maybe because they found love early and held on to it and are surrounded by others who found love early so they feel it comes quite easily. It doesn't.
I'm in my thirties and I found love only once. He had all the criteria's I was looking for (all those that my friend's thought were unreal and I could never find a guy who would fit the bill) and I met his...except when it came to his parents liking me. They pretended to be happy with my values but all the saw was that I was not the same race as them and were smart to cause problems with our differences (differences that we resolved but they were not happy with his choice) to tear us apart.
Those who find love young think its easy. It's only when you get older that you realize it is hard. It is very hard. That is why there are site's such as Match, eHarmony, etc...and they are a thriving business because there are some people who find it difficult to meet good people, and some who are just not having luck in finding the one. Or in my case, when you do their friends/family fill their head that it should be easy (yet I bet you there is nothing easy about their relationship when you scratch the surface they present) and that having common religion helps. Not really. I was married to someone of common relgion and they were so extreme that I had to run for the hills. We were the same race, religion, somewhat same values but he was much to demanding and controlling. I found someone of different race, religion, but same values. We are both not religious (when compared to our family) but we wanted a happy medium and we felt we could achieve it with the two of us. His family wants....well you know.
Four weddings to go to in North America, two more oversees and all I want to do is hide. I don't want to see two people get together. Two people who are younger than me and the guy loves their girl so much that no one can get in the way or she just has the luck that his parents love her.
I hate hearing about the Royal Wedding because he left me a few weeks before the announcement. All I heard after the breakup was how my friends who started dating the same time I started dating him, all are getting engaged with their 'love' and me....my so-called love left me. He fell out of love thanks to his family and the distance of the commute to see eachother. But I blame his family the most because when I moved closer to him, he didn't want to make it work. If it were the commute, he would have tried to salavage the love and wonderful feelings we brought out in eachother but to not try tell me he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to make it work. And I know how he is indebted to his family, and their acceptance is important so if they don't like the girl, he will leave her. He should just date his on kind. He seriously should, because I don't want any of the girls I don't get along with to go through this pain and hurt.
I am slowly loosing my faith. I prayed for a guy like him and God brought him in my path. Now I pray to God to bring him back and nothing is happening. He is leaving soon and its been a year that my heart hates and still loves him. Hates him for being stupid and weak when it comes to his family. I can't eat at the same places we went, I know I will break down and cry. I cannot go to the same places we hung out, I cry and remember how happy I was with him there. Our one and only vacation together, the first and last time I will ever travel with a guy. We had an amazing time, its where he opened up to me and told me he felt I was the one....now I just hate myself for letting my guard down and trusting him.
No guy is worth it. No guy. They all lie to you. Whatever comes from their mouth comes with an expiration date, you just are not aware of it and before you know it, they will take it back because its' 'NORMAL'.
It is normal to open yourself to someone and be hurt and betrayed. It's normal for someone to feel something and change and hurt and betray you yet they expect the next person to just easily open themselves to them after they hurt someone. It's normal to be callus but not think of yourself that way because...hey it's normal.
Friday, February 11, 2011
His Profile
So we both met on Match and we are both back on Match....just not looking for each other.
He told me that he is moving on a few months back and saw my profile on match and so he is doing the same...then his profile disappeared so I thought he found someone...but wait, he is leaving this city in a few months to do his training in another city. So I searched his alias and found he is not looking for someone in that city and he is excited about the move.
I know you want to paint yourself as a happy individual but it hurt reading that line....
I cried for hours thinking how I could love him and he said he loved me to and he would never leave me....and he did just that. How he said he would stand by me, and he left me to stand alone.
In less than 6 months he is leaving this city and I cannot contact him because I gave him my word I wouldn't because I know his family would like that... but he can contact me. He wanted that I should contact him anytime I want and he would respond ...trying to be 'understanding'. But all I feel is hurt and abused. My heart has never been so hurt. It's almost one year and I am so hurt!!
The thought of him with another girl rips my heart into pieces. I cannot let a guy touch me without puking and he can move on and be open to meeting other girls....
Before I met him, I was a very confident, outgoing, happy individual. Nothing could hurt me or break me. I had never fallen in love. I saved myself for 'the one'.
I met him and it was like kismet. He was perfect. We clicked like I've never clicked with anyone before.
Then his parents found out about me and the nightmare began.
I know I should be glad that I saw that his parents and sibling are bad and it could have been worse, but why would god make me fall for a guy who is perfect with imperfect parents? Why would god bring a guy who has all the qualities I have asked for in a partner but have bad parents and take him away from me?
I love him so much that it hurts.
I pray to god everyday to bring us back but....is he listening and if so will he do anything about it or just listen and that is it?
He told me that he is moving on a few months back and saw my profile on match and so he is doing the same...then his profile disappeared so I thought he found someone...but wait, he is leaving this city in a few months to do his training in another city. So I searched his alias and found he is not looking for someone in that city and he is excited about the move.
I know you want to paint yourself as a happy individual but it hurt reading that line....
I cried for hours thinking how I could love him and he said he loved me to and he would never leave me....and he did just that. How he said he would stand by me, and he left me to stand alone.
In less than 6 months he is leaving this city and I cannot contact him because I gave him my word I wouldn't because I know his family would like that... but he can contact me. He wanted that I should contact him anytime I want and he would respond ...trying to be 'understanding'. But all I feel is hurt and abused. My heart has never been so hurt. It's almost one year and I am so hurt!!
The thought of him with another girl rips my heart into pieces. I cannot let a guy touch me without puking and he can move on and be open to meeting other girls....
Before I met him, I was a very confident, outgoing, happy individual. Nothing could hurt me or break me. I had never fallen in love. I saved myself for 'the one'.
I met him and it was like kismet. He was perfect. We clicked like I've never clicked with anyone before.
Then his parents found out about me and the nightmare began.
I know I should be glad that I saw that his parents and sibling are bad and it could have been worse, but why would god make me fall for a guy who is perfect with imperfect parents? Why would god bring a guy who has all the qualities I have asked for in a partner but have bad parents and take him away from me?
I love him so much that it hurts.
I pray to god everyday to bring us back but....is he listening and if so will he do anything about it or just listen and that is it?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Why can't I move to some other guy
I have told myself that he will never contact me, he has started seeing other girls more than six months after the breakup, he has never gotten back with a girl he has broken up with and he thought of this long and hard before he broke up with me. I know his family will never let him be with me and they will bully him again and he knows it.
Still my heart and soul screams why?! Why?!
I hate them for being so mean and him for not being above their influence...instead of drugs it's family bullying! I question if there is true and honest love between his parents, or his sibling with their spouse. I mean my folks got married because they love eachother and supported our relationship because all they cared was do I love him and does he love me. But his family is adament about keeping with the right race that they camaflouged with the one thing that made us different. Religion. But the way we practice it is what made us similiar. The amount of influence we want in our kids was very close...
I tried dating other people but after the first or second date, I never call the guy or respond to the guy's call because my heart and soul screams how dare I violate it by not listening to it...how much it hates it when they try to hug me at the end of the date.
Still my heart and soul screams why?! Why?!
I hate them for being so mean and him for not being above their influence...instead of drugs it's family bullying! I question if there is true and honest love between his parents, or his sibling with their spouse. I mean my folks got married because they love eachother and supported our relationship because all they cared was do I love him and does he love me. But his family is adament about keeping with the right race that they camaflouged with the one thing that made us different. Religion. But the way we practice it is what made us similiar. The amount of influence we want in our kids was very close...
I tried dating other people but after the first or second date, I never call the guy or respond to the guy's call because my heart and soul screams how dare I violate it by not listening to it...how much it hates it when they try to hug me at the end of the date.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
In case you are curious....
Anyway, in case you are curious- this is the list of the top reasons for divorce in Asian family (and breakups)
1) Family - Studies found that 80% of dissolved marriages in 2006-2010 were caused from family, usually from the boy's mother
2) Infidelity
3) Abuse
4) Money
Frankly, I'm not surprised. I have talked to over a dozen asian girls who are divorced and they all said the reason they broke up from their boyfriend/fiance/husband is the boy's mom.
I know of one european girl who married an asian guy (chinese/korean/japanese) and has 3 kids with him. His family never accepted her that they kept bring cute girls of their race to break the two up. The girls did not mind because, hey he bring ins $150k a year so they got a meal ticket if they can pull him away from her. After 12 years of marriage, he left with the constant bullying and married one of the girls his mom and sister brought home. He has a child and last I saw him (March 2010), he is not happy but he is making due because he made his bed. As for my friend, she is with her three kids and her ex's mom does not want the father to visit because she says the kids are garbage and not her sons'...she accused my friend of cheating on her son. My friend never wants to be with a guy and is just focused on her kids and hopefully this experience does not damage them.
Another friend, her scenario is weird. She is Taiwanese and so is the guy she was dating. They called off their engagement because the boy caved in from his family's constant bullying that they do not like her. She as a PhD in Engineering working for a local power company and he is a consultant for an engineering firm. This is the second engagement for her broken; both guys were Taiwanese and both guys' parents did not approve of her and forced the guy to dump her. She wants a Taiwanese guy only but with the constant rejection from their family, she is now thinking f*** them and go white.
White people we have seen, tend to be the least prejudice and their families don't carry that genetic trait. Now she has to find herself a white guy she would consider attractive...(heck she doesn't find Jake Gylla..whatever or Justin Timberlake attractive so I give her luck!)
It's been 9 months
It's been 9 months since my ex-boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me and I feel I have still not healed from it. I started dating other guys but I can never get beyond date 2. As soon as they come into my space, my body and heart screams at me of how I can let someone else come near me when it is not him. When it still loves him.
I think back now and then of why things went wrong and what I could have done to fix it and the answer is always the same. I may have changed because of my moving out of town but it was not enough to cause the breakup. I moved back in to the same town as him and wanted to get back but he kept up with the BS of how I'm all great but we are just not right for each other and excuses of how its the wrong time, he is not ready for marriage right now (even though I said I can wait for 2 years which is what he said he can wait for)...he let it out once that his family was the cause but slipped back to hide it.
His family. His family does not like the fact (though they will not admit it in word but the two huge family meetings they had in person with him and ganging up against him on the fact that we are so different when it comes to our beliefs even though our values and in sync and how we would like to bring up our kids are in sync) that I am not the same race as they are. They are trying to prevent him making the same mistake his one sibling did, marry a race that is not the same race. Except his sibling is happy with the person and wouldn't change it for the world. They don't care, they still disapprove of the union and they don't want him to make the same mistake.
He is leaving town in less than 8 months to start a job in a new city and I know we will never cross paths ever. Heck we don't anymore because even though he would like to be friends, I cannot be friends with a guy who is the first one that I talked seriously about marriage, kids, house, city we would live in...etc. I'm the first girl he talked those things with and the first girl he thought...'this is the one'...heck his friends told me and they were shocked but supportive. Those same friends didn't do anything to help bring us back together. They just took the coward way out of being non-interfeering. Some might take it as being neutral so they don't get the blame, but I think of it as being a coward.
When his family came to visit, I could see the disgust in their eyes even though they tried to hide it. I remember giving them gifts which I put great thought in and how they wanted to leave it behind and hopefully me take it back with a lame excuse that they could not fly with it due to the quote of how much liquid you can carry on the plane. I think they just didn't care and wanted to show me that we don't accept this and we don't accept you even though our son says he is serious about you. Then when he dropped them at the airport, they both fought and cried on him that they felt they were loosing him.
Then the family meetings started whenever he went home for a visit. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday and for a business trip. They gave me a cheap dollar store gift which hurt because it showed me that they thought of me as garbage and like the gift, I am just being used and I will be thrown away. My friends of the same race told me, watch it - families of this race are prejudice and racist when it comes to marriage and they are smart in breaking up relationships when they don't approve of the partner their son brings home. They told him that they do support his decision to be with me if that is what he wants but he needs to seriously think if it will work. Then back to bullying him on our differences.
My family loved him after they saw that we mutually love eachother. There was no family meetings but they did want us to settle down because they felt he was being worn out by his family and they found it alarming on how a guy who was serious about me and went with me to talk to my priest (before he proposed or got a chance to) and he did not do anything to introduce his family to mine.
Yes he can find someone, he is a great guy but his family will never let him be with someone he loves unless she is of the same race as they are.
Heck, I recall I pointed out to him how in the one time I met his family, they never invited me for Thanksgiving, or any family occaions - but he did and i couldn't go because of some circumstance and to top it off they went blabbing on for 20-30min on 2 single girls of the same race and how amazing they are, smart and beautiful and how they think they are such nice girls. It was obvious that they were trying to make me feel like garbage and not good enough but he didn't see it. He took it as a general conversation.
Me, I feel I met 'the one' because I am so guarded with my heart that for the first time I felt this guy not only understood me but I found beautiful inside and out. He and I wanted the same thing in life, and we are so open and accepting of our differences and the love we have was soo beautiful that every time I said to him 'I love you' a part of me cried from the sheer miracle and beauty of it. He promised me that he would never be with another girl but now he broke away and the promise was only good for when we were together and is null and void now that he left me.
His family, heck they are happy and will now let him be happy.
The stress of their constant bullying is off and because they can let him breathe in peace, he feels that he made the right decision. Being with me, he was bullied by them and with our long distance, he felt unhappy and associated that being with and our relationship made him unhappy. Not true.
Heck I recall doing anything to cheer him up because I wanted him to go to sleep with a smile on his face and no stress...that I would do anything to get him to relax. He was studying for some finals (by the way he is over 30years old this guy) and I was focused on him being in a happy state so he could concentrate on his finals. In the end, he got his results the month of our breakup and it was the lowest score he got...I knew what caused it. His family not being understanding that their son has to have a clear and peaceful mind to study for this huge exam on his career that they are so 'supportive' in, all they cared about was get rid of her and we will do it whatever way we can - be it bullying, crying, family meeting, talking till they are blue in the face. They won.
I was soo depressed and still am that I was searching when it comes to Asian families what is the top reason for breakups in relationships (including marriage). I was not surprised to see that the number 1 was family. If the family does not approve of the spouse their son brings home, they will do everything to rip them apart. Even if they have a child, they will do anything still and discard the kids as not theirs.
My Friends Experiences
I was talking to a friend of mine who is Chinese and she was involved with a Korean guy. They dated for two years and one day she found out she was pregnant. The Korean guy who only introduced his family once to her was scared to tell his family. I mean he is 33 years old and he was scared?! What happened, they were going to get married. His family were pissed and bullied my friend (who as a B.A.Sc. and Masters in Engineering) that she was ruining his life and she did this intentional. My friend was upset that she told that is not true and she would have preferred conceiving within wedlock and she feels ashamed and so does her family that this happened out of but she loves their son and he loves her and they should be happy. They told her privately that she should have an abortion if she truly loves him because this wrong and its a huge humiliation on them. She refused to so they bullied her giving the impression to her then fiance that they wanted to spend time connecting with her since they were going to get married. They called her and with a calm voice made her feel unworthy and that marrying their son was not right. If she really cared, she should have been dating a Chinese guy and they bet her parents did not voice it to her but they must be disappointed in her. What happened, she miscarried.
They were so happy and she was mentally broken. He spent 2 days with her but they they pulled him away saying lies on how she was so mean to his mom, calling her a witch and such. He broke it off and ...yup, he got involved with a girl mommy and sister approved of and yup she also go pregnant (though my friend and I are under the impression that the girl did it purposely because he was not dropping to his knees to propose) and they all encouraged him to do the right thing and marry her. My friend, till this date does not want to be involved with a guy and is broken that she was so easily replaced and the guy she gave her heart and body to does not see it that his family lied and were the cause of the breakup. She is now in Silicon Valley at Google working as an engineer and he is still in my home town with his office (he is a dentist). His wife, B.Sc. did not proceed ahead but is staying home to look after the child because she has no plans to work. She got herself a doctor and is staying home to have a cushy life. And oh, she is Korean...just like the way his family wanted it.
What my friends say...
Most of my asian friends told me that Asian parents are very controlling. Especially on their sons. They don't mind their daughters marrying out as long as the guy is rich and successful. But the sons, the sons must still to the same race or else they will make life tough. They will get the whole family involved to give the impression that this is serious and we all need to help and stop him making a big mistake. They are so consumed on how much they sacrificed for their son and so convinced that what they will make him happy is right that they refuse to see that what they are doing is destroying a beautiful union between two humans who love each other. They are so selfish that they don't care as long as they are happy, they will let their son be happy.
I will never understand this because I always believed that GOD does not see the color or our skin, or what race we are. All he sees is our hearts and our intentions - if they are good or bad. How can parents who try and bring morally upright kids be worse than GOD? How can they do this where they remind their child of their sacrifice and then discriminate because they don't like you because of your race?
I think back now and then of why things went wrong and what I could have done to fix it and the answer is always the same. I may have changed because of my moving out of town but it was not enough to cause the breakup. I moved back in to the same town as him and wanted to get back but he kept up with the BS of how I'm all great but we are just not right for each other and excuses of how its the wrong time, he is not ready for marriage right now (even though I said I can wait for 2 years which is what he said he can wait for)...he let it out once that his family was the cause but slipped back to hide it.
His family. His family does not like the fact (though they will not admit it in word but the two huge family meetings they had in person with him and ganging up against him on the fact that we are so different when it comes to our beliefs even though our values and in sync and how we would like to bring up our kids are in sync) that I am not the same race as they are. They are trying to prevent him making the same mistake his one sibling did, marry a race that is not the same race. Except his sibling is happy with the person and wouldn't change it for the world. They don't care, they still disapprove of the union and they don't want him to make the same mistake.
He is leaving town in less than 8 months to start a job in a new city and I know we will never cross paths ever. Heck we don't anymore because even though he would like to be friends, I cannot be friends with a guy who is the first one that I talked seriously about marriage, kids, house, city we would live in...etc. I'm the first girl he talked those things with and the first girl he thought...'this is the one'...heck his friends told me and they were shocked but supportive. Those same friends didn't do anything to help bring us back together. They just took the coward way out of being non-interfeering. Some might take it as being neutral so they don't get the blame, but I think of it as being a coward.
When his family came to visit, I could see the disgust in their eyes even though they tried to hide it. I remember giving them gifts which I put great thought in and how they wanted to leave it behind and hopefully me take it back with a lame excuse that they could not fly with it due to the quote of how much liquid you can carry on the plane. I think they just didn't care and wanted to show me that we don't accept this and we don't accept you even though our son says he is serious about you. Then when he dropped them at the airport, they both fought and cried on him that they felt they were loosing him.
Then the family meetings started whenever he went home for a visit. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday and for a business trip. They gave me a cheap dollar store gift which hurt because it showed me that they thought of me as garbage and like the gift, I am just being used and I will be thrown away. My friends of the same race told me, watch it - families of this race are prejudice and racist when it comes to marriage and they are smart in breaking up relationships when they don't approve of the partner their son brings home. They told him that they do support his decision to be with me if that is what he wants but he needs to seriously think if it will work. Then back to bullying him on our differences.
My family loved him after they saw that we mutually love eachother. There was no family meetings but they did want us to settle down because they felt he was being worn out by his family and they found it alarming on how a guy who was serious about me and went with me to talk to my priest (before he proposed or got a chance to) and he did not do anything to introduce his family to mine.
Yes he can find someone, he is a great guy but his family will never let him be with someone he loves unless she is of the same race as they are.
Heck, I recall I pointed out to him how in the one time I met his family, they never invited me for Thanksgiving, or any family occaions - but he did and i couldn't go because of some circumstance and to top it off they went blabbing on for 20-30min on 2 single girls of the same race and how amazing they are, smart and beautiful and how they think they are such nice girls. It was obvious that they were trying to make me feel like garbage and not good enough but he didn't see it. He took it as a general conversation.
Me, I feel I met 'the one' because I am so guarded with my heart that for the first time I felt this guy not only understood me but I found beautiful inside and out. He and I wanted the same thing in life, and we are so open and accepting of our differences and the love we have was soo beautiful that every time I said to him 'I love you' a part of me cried from the sheer miracle and beauty of it. He promised me that he would never be with another girl but now he broke away and the promise was only good for when we were together and is null and void now that he left me.
His family, heck they are happy and will now let him be happy.
The stress of their constant bullying is off and because they can let him breathe in peace, he feels that he made the right decision. Being with me, he was bullied by them and with our long distance, he felt unhappy and associated that being with and our relationship made him unhappy. Not true.
Heck I recall doing anything to cheer him up because I wanted him to go to sleep with a smile on his face and no stress...that I would do anything to get him to relax. He was studying for some finals (by the way he is over 30years old this guy) and I was focused on him being in a happy state so he could concentrate on his finals. In the end, he got his results the month of our breakup and it was the lowest score he got...I knew what caused it. His family not being understanding that their son has to have a clear and peaceful mind to study for this huge exam on his career that they are so 'supportive' in, all they cared about was get rid of her and we will do it whatever way we can - be it bullying, crying, family meeting, talking till they are blue in the face. They won.
I was soo depressed and still am that I was searching when it comes to Asian families what is the top reason for breakups in relationships (including marriage). I was not surprised to see that the number 1 was family. If the family does not approve of the spouse their son brings home, they will do everything to rip them apart. Even if they have a child, they will do anything still and discard the kids as not theirs.
My Friends Experiences
I was talking to a friend of mine who is Chinese and she was involved with a Korean guy. They dated for two years and one day she found out she was pregnant. The Korean guy who only introduced his family once to her was scared to tell his family. I mean he is 33 years old and he was scared?! What happened, they were going to get married. His family were pissed and bullied my friend (who as a B.A.Sc. and Masters in Engineering) that she was ruining his life and she did this intentional. My friend was upset that she told that is not true and she would have preferred conceiving within wedlock and she feels ashamed and so does her family that this happened out of but she loves their son and he loves her and they should be happy. They told her privately that she should have an abortion if she truly loves him because this wrong and its a huge humiliation on them. She refused to so they bullied her giving the impression to her then fiance that they wanted to spend time connecting with her since they were going to get married. They called her and with a calm voice made her feel unworthy and that marrying their son was not right. If she really cared, she should have been dating a Chinese guy and they bet her parents did not voice it to her but they must be disappointed in her. What happened, she miscarried.
They were so happy and she was mentally broken. He spent 2 days with her but they they pulled him away saying lies on how she was so mean to his mom, calling her a witch and such. He broke it off and ...yup, he got involved with a girl mommy and sister approved of and yup she also go pregnant (though my friend and I are under the impression that the girl did it purposely because he was not dropping to his knees to propose) and they all encouraged him to do the right thing and marry her. My friend, till this date does not want to be involved with a guy and is broken that she was so easily replaced and the guy she gave her heart and body to does not see it that his family lied and were the cause of the breakup. She is now in Silicon Valley at Google working as an engineer and he is still in my home town with his office (he is a dentist). His wife, B.Sc. did not proceed ahead but is staying home to look after the child because she has no plans to work. She got herself a doctor and is staying home to have a cushy life. And oh, she is Korean...just like the way his family wanted it.
What my friends say...
Most of my asian friends told me that Asian parents are very controlling. Especially on their sons. They don't mind their daughters marrying out as long as the guy is rich and successful. But the sons, the sons must still to the same race or else they will make life tough. They will get the whole family involved to give the impression that this is serious and we all need to help and stop him making a big mistake. They are so consumed on how much they sacrificed for their son and so convinced that what they will make him happy is right that they refuse to see that what they are doing is destroying a beautiful union between two humans who love each other. They are so selfish that they don't care as long as they are happy, they will let their son be happy.
I will never understand this because I always believed that GOD does not see the color or our skin, or what race we are. All he sees is our hearts and our intentions - if they are good or bad. How can parents who try and bring morally upright kids be worse than GOD? How can they do this where they remind their child of their sacrifice and then discriminate because they don't like you because of your race?
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