It's been 9 months

It's been 9 months since my ex-boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me and I feel I have still not healed from it. I started dating other guys but I can never get beyond date 2. As soon as they come into my space, my body and heart screams at me of how I can let someone else come near me when it is not him. When it still loves him.

I think back now and then of why things went wrong and what I could have done to fix it and the answer is always the same. I may have changed because of my moving out of town but it was not enough to cause the breakup. I moved back in to the same town as him and wanted to get back but he kept up with the BS of how I'm all great but we are just not right for each other and excuses of how its the wrong time, he is not ready for marriage right now (even though I said I can wait for 2 years which is what he said he can wait for)...he let it out once that his family was the cause but slipped back to hide it.
His family. His family does not like the fact (though they will not admit it in word but the two huge family meetings they had in person with him and ganging up against him on the fact that we are so different when it comes to our beliefs even though our values and in sync and how we would like to bring up our kids are in sync) that I am not the same race as they are. They are trying to prevent him making the same mistake his one sibling did, marry a race that is not the same race. Except his sibling is happy with the person and wouldn't change it for the world. They don't care, they still disapprove of the union and they don't want him to make the same mistake.

He is leaving town in less than 8 months to start a job in a new city and I know we will never cross paths ever. Heck we don't anymore because even though he would like to be friends, I cannot be friends with a guy who is the first one that I talked seriously about marriage, kids, house, city we would live in...etc. I'm the first girl he talked those things with and the first girl he thought...'this is the one'...heck his friends told me and they were shocked but supportive. Those same friends didn't do anything to help bring us back together. They just took the coward way out of being non-interfeering. Some might take it as being neutral so they don't get the blame, but I think of it as being a coward.

When his family came to visit, I could see the disgust in their eyes even though they tried to hide it. I remember giving them gifts which I put great thought in and how they wanted to leave it behind and hopefully me take it back with a lame excuse that they could not fly with it due to the quote of how much liquid you can carry on the plane. I think they just didn't care and wanted to show me that we don't accept this and we don't accept you even though our son says he is serious about you. Then when he dropped them at the airport, they both fought and cried on him that they felt they were loosing him.
Then the family meetings started whenever he went home for a visit. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday and for a business trip. They gave me a cheap dollar store gift which hurt because it showed me that they thought of me as garbage and like the gift, I am just being used and I will be thrown away. My friends of the same race told me, watch it - families of this race are prejudice and racist when it comes to marriage and they are smart in breaking up relationships when they don't approve of the partner their son brings home. They told him that they do support his decision to be with me if that is what he wants but he needs to seriously think if it will work. Then back to bullying him on our differences.

My family loved him after they saw that we mutually love eachother. There was no family meetings but they did want us to settle down because they felt he was being worn out by his family and they found it alarming on how a guy who was serious about me and went with me to talk to my priest (before he proposed or got a chance to) and he did not do anything to introduce his family to mine.

Yes he can find someone, he is a great guy but his family will never let him be with someone he loves unless she is of the same race as they are.

Heck, I recall I pointed out to him how in the one time I met his family, they never invited me for Thanksgiving, or any family occaions - but he did and i couldn't go because of some circumstance and to top it off they went blabbing on for 20-30min on 2 single girls of the same race and how amazing they are, smart and beautiful and how they think they are such nice girls. It was obvious that they were trying to make me feel like garbage and not good enough but he didn't see it. He took it as a general conversation.

Me, I feel I met 'the one' because I am so guarded with my heart that for the first time I felt this guy not only understood me but I found beautiful inside and out. He and I wanted the same thing in life, and we are so open and accepting of our differences and the love we have was soo beautiful that every time I said to him 'I love you' a part of me cried from the sheer miracle and beauty of it. He promised me that he would never be with another girl but now he broke away and the promise was only good for when we were together and is null and void now that he left me.

His family, heck they are happy and will now let him be happy.

The stress of their constant bullying is off and because they can let him breathe in peace, he feels that he made the right decision. Being with me, he was bullied by them and with our long distance, he felt unhappy and associated that being with and our relationship made him unhappy. Not true.
Heck I recall doing anything to cheer him up because I wanted him to go to sleep with a smile on his face and no stress...that I would do anything to get him to relax. He was studying for some finals (by the way he is over 30years old this guy) and I was focused on him being in a happy state so he could concentrate on his finals. In the end, he got his results the month of our breakup and it was the lowest score he got...I knew what caused it. His family not being understanding that their son has to have a clear and peaceful mind to study for this huge exam on his career that they are so 'supportive' in, all they cared about was get rid of her and we will do it whatever way we can - be it bullying, crying, family meeting, talking till they are blue in the face. They won.

I was soo depressed and still am that I was searching when it comes to Asian families what is the top reason for breakups in relationships (including marriage). I was not surprised to see that the number 1 was family. If the family does not approve of the spouse their son brings home, they will do everything to rip them apart. Even if they have a child, they will do anything still and discard the kids as not theirs.


My Friends Experiences
I was talking to a friend of mine who is Chinese and she was involved with a Korean guy. They dated for two years and one day she found out she was pregnant. The Korean guy who only introduced his family once to her was scared to tell his family. I mean he is 33 years old and he was scared?! What happened, they were going to get married. His family were pissed and bullied my friend (who as a B.A.Sc. and Masters in Engineering) that she was ruining his life and she did this intentional. My friend was upset that she told that is not true and she would have preferred conceiving within wedlock and she feels ashamed and so does her family that this happened out of but she loves their son and he loves her and they should be happy. They told her privately that she should have an abortion if she truly loves him because this wrong and its a huge humiliation on them. She refused to so they bullied her giving the impression to her then fiance that they wanted to spend time connecting with her since they were going to get married. They called her and with a calm voice made her feel unworthy and that marrying their son was not right. If she really cared, she should have been dating a Chinese guy and they bet her parents did not voice it to her but they must be disappointed in her. What happened, she miscarried.
They were so happy and she was mentally broken. He spent 2 days with her but they they pulled him away saying lies on how she was so mean to his mom, calling her a witch and such. He broke it off and ...yup, he got involved with a girl mommy and sister approved of and yup she also go pregnant (though my friend and I are under the impression that the girl did it purposely because he was not dropping to his knees to propose) and they all encouraged him to do the right thing and marry her. My friend, till this date does not want to be involved with a guy and is broken that she was so easily replaced and the guy she gave her heart and body to does not see it that his family lied and were the cause of the breakup. She is now in Silicon Valley at Google working as an engineer and he is still in my home town with his office (he is a dentist). His wife, B.Sc. did not proceed ahead but is staying home to look after the child because she has no plans to work. She got herself a doctor and is staying home to have a cushy life. And oh, she is Korean...just like the way his family wanted it.


What my friends say...
Most of my asian friends told me that Asian parents are very controlling. Especially on their sons. They don't mind their daughters marrying out as long as the guy is rich and successful. But the sons, the sons must still to the same race or else they will make life tough. They will get the whole family involved to give the impression that this is serious and we all need to help and stop him making a big mistake. They are so consumed on how much they sacrificed for their son and so convinced that what they will make him happy is right that they refuse to see that what they are doing is destroying a beautiful union between two humans who love each other. They are so selfish that they don't care as long as they are happy, they will let their son be happy.

I will never understand this because I always believed that GOD does not see the color or our skin, or what race we are. All he sees is our hearts and our intentions - if they are good or bad. How can parents who try and bring morally upright kids be worse than GOD? How can they do this where they remind their child of their sacrifice and then discriminate because they don't like you because of your race?