I have waisted more than two years on 'so called love'. I see before me I life i don't want to have but, its what was dealt to me.
I always imagined meeting a guy I would connect with, fall in love, get married and maybe have a child two to three years later. All this would happen before I would turn 35.
I'm almost 35 and what do I have? I'm divorced, fell in love after more than five years after my divorce for the very first time, got my heart broken that I don't trust any man out there, and I don't think I even want marriage.
I dated three guys after the ex-boyfriend, and not more than four dates I felt nothing and asked them what their parents think about dating a girl like me (me as in race and religion) and all three guys told me their parents were not really happy. I broke it off with them as soon as they shared that information with me.
I look in the mirror and ask what did I do to deserve this?
Did I not pray to god enough?
Is this Karma?
Did I do something wrong in my previous life?
Am I such a bad person? Why am I bad?
I know some people would complain that I have no right to complain because there are others that have it worse, so I should maybe just bite my tongue and be happy that this is better than being born in a poor family in Somalia where my life could have been a whole lot worse...
But I live in this part of the world and I just wonder...why?!
I was SO STUPID!
I was so dumb to fall for his eyes and smile and laugh. I was so dumb to believe in his lies that he would never hurt me and that he loves me. I was so dumb to believe that he ... I was just plain dumb.
I want more than anything to forget him, and I wonder why can't I.
He was the first guy I actually dreamed about a future with. I never let myself do that with any guy I dated, even the one I married (arranged marriage). He was the first and I hate that because I sleep at night forcing myself to think of work, my language classes, movie I just saw other than the dreams I had of him and me. I sleep in the middle of the bed instead of a side because my bed will always have only me in it and no one else. There is no room for anyone else.
He is going to move on in his life and meet other people and be happy because he feels this is the right decision he made, while I feel that this is the WRONG decision he made but he won't listen...he feels he tried but our differences are so much (thanks to his family pointing it out over and over and over again) that he feels it will not work. When we knew the difference we acknowledged and knew how to make it work with our differences. His family would not accept his approach and decision.
I hurt so much! I hate that I love him, because anyone who would do this does not deserve it and never truly loved me.
The hardest thing I did was accept his decision a few months after he broke up with me and take a step back. I spend time with my new friends, paint a smile on my face when inside I am still broken. I don't want anyone to know how much I still hurt and cry.
Knowing he no longer talks to me will make his family happy and thus they will let him be in peace.
I look every day in the mirror and I see someone who is getting old, and loosing whatever what was beautiful in her thanks to time. People tell me I'm beautiful but I don't feel it. If I am, it feels like a curse because ....why is that I can't think of a single set of parents that liked me? why?
I feel so hated and ugly!
I feel like a disappointment to my family.
I feel like I can never have faith my instinct and judgement. I just don't.
Al this time, every guy I dated and the one I married through arranged marriage , they felt all wrong. All of them. And then I meet this guy who I was not expecting to like in any way but had great conversation with, found had the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen, most gorgeous laugh I had ever found and I noticed his hands...and after talking to him on the phone a few days later where we just couldn't wait to see eachother and talk till 3am ...hardly three months I felt 'love' and I was scared because I had never felt it before in my whole entire life. And he fell in love that fast too. First guy I ever kissed on the lips because I wanted to and not because I was married to him and expected to...
I feel crushed...
I feel like crying out my soul knowing he is leaving...
I feel that every girl who gets their 'the one' is SOO LUCKY! I wish I was lucky too.....
I really wish I was lucky too....
But what is a wish...hopeful thinking.....and there is no hope for me...I don't believe in it.
I wish I had never gone on Match.com
I wish I had never made that stupid and crazy new years resolution
The time we had....that love I had, is not worth the pain that is in my heart forever. Its like black hole in my heart...one that just does not heal. I thank my friends keep me busy and preoccupied by forcing me to be with them and do this and that...that it distracts me so he does not slip in to my mind...
I know he never thinks about me....I to should do the same....
